Reassuring Men—The Real Issue Behind Gun Control

In a witty "Fighting Words" commentary just broadcast on Women's Media Center Live with Robin Morgan, the author helps men come to terms with gun control.   

This past week, it seemed that Congress was inching toward a feeble compromise on the blandest of gun control measures. We need to keep up—in fact, intensify—the pressure, though, since gun defenders are deeply invested in their firepower. They identify with guns, because of what guns represent for them.

Guns don’t symbolize ‘womanhood’ to the comparatively
few women who own them. But guns mean something very personal about manhood to men who do.

If we didn’t already know that to rabid gun defenders guns symbolize the, ahem, penis, the NRA would reliably remind us. This week, on the NRA website, the feature article was titled: “Senate Debates an Impotent Gun Control Solution.”

I am not making this up.

So a few women friends and I decided we might as well cut to the chase and deal not with the symbol of what’s being vociferously defended but with what’s being defended itself.

Which brings us to the issue of penis control.

Does penis control infringe on the rights of penis owners or not?  What about public safety? Do we need new penis laws or need merely to toughen and enforce existing penis laws already on the books?

So it’s time to reassure those men who are gravely concerned—and fortunately not all men are, but the ones who are concerned really are—about this:

There will be no national registry of penis owners.

No one wants to regulate all penises—although quite a few women would like some regulation on some penises some of the time.

No penises will be confiscated, even if proven to be in the possession of felons or other convicted wife batterers, men with a record of violent actions, or the mentally ill.

Gentlemen, there is actually national support from women for men to carry concealed penises.

Furthermore, no one is saying that a man cannot regularly clean, oil, and caress his penis—although having more than one can be problematical, as can displaying it, not to speak of acquiring it illegally or under the counter, or via informal interactions with relatives and neighbors.

Let’s be clear: We do not think school guards openly carrying their penises makes our kids safer.

And since when have we ever needed assault penises?

Still, we sympathize with some men’s fear of being left defenseless without a loaded penis. After all, as it’s been pointed out, the only thing that can stop a bad man with a penis is a good man with a penis.

What’s more, we have compassion for your anxiety about a lack of ammunition. Yet there’s always Viagra!

Guys, we realize that you’re dealing with furious envy of the female capacity for multiple orgasms. We understand that the whole aspect of automatic and semi-automatic weapons really is about this, your one-shot capacity, often as premature ejaculation.

Sorry about that. 

Last, we hate to have to tell you this, but male or female, we’re all mortal—and someday they may have to pry your penis from your cold, dead hand.

Hear today's entire broadcase at this link: Women's Media Center Live with Robin Morgan.