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The Feminist Reflections of a Recent College Grad

While I have always felt passionate about advocating for equal rights and opportunities for all people, I didn’t find my feminism until my Junior year of college. After having several personal experiences that made me examine the way I had been treated by others, myself, and society, I found my voice and started to use it productively to try and spark change.

Looking back, though, I wish I could have found my feminism sooner. If I had, I think I could have been more empathetic and compassionate in my approach to a lot of situations I experienced as a freshman in college. I may not be able to change my own past, but I hope that I can shape the experiences of others by sharing my own. Here are a few things I’ve learned over the past couple of years that I wish I could have told my feminist self as a freshman in college.

Someone else’s life decisions and behavior don't directly reflect you or your worth.

As a freshman in college, I eagerly jumped into a very unhealthy, toxic, and detrimental relationship with someone I did not know very well. He tried to convince me that I was the cause of his damaging behavior because I was his significant other and that his actions were a reflection of my influence. I ended up believing him and feeling responsible. I became tremendously insecure and started to develop a dejected view of myself and my worth. Luckily, thanks to the support of good friends and a lot of self-reflection, I eventually became aware that I was detrimentally allowing the decisions and actions of another person to affect me deeply and personally. I hated how I felt in the relationship and I was disappointed with who I had become.

Looking back, I wish I could have told my freshman self not to blame herself for another person's behavior and decisions. I was not and never will be fully responsible for another man’s actions and wish my freshman self hadn't let those circumstances disempower her. If anyone tries to blame you for their terrible treatment of you or others, recognize that the problem is theirs. Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Surround yourself with people and experiences that empower you.

I believe empowerment is at the heart of the feminist movement. As a feminist, I believe in creating and supporting opportunities that allow women to empower themselves. Making new friends and building social circles from scratch is the norm freshman year, and I wish I knew how disempowering it can be to befriend people who don’t have your best interests in mind, are uncaring, or have superficial reasons for wanting to be friends with you. It took me a while to realize that many of the friends I initially made at school didn't support my activist efforts and passion for bettering the world and in fact viewed my activism as annoying. They discouraged me from being outspoken and I started to feel disempowered. I eventually realized that I needed to re-evaluate the friendships I had with people who invalidated my feminist identity.

Now, as a recent post-grad, I feel very lucky to have a strong group of feminist friends who are just as passionate as I am. Though we now live hundreds of miles away from each other, we constantly encourage and support one another and only have the best interests of each other in mind.

You'll never be truly happy if you constantly compare yourself to other women.

I'm now a first-year teacher and I try to have a strong, positive voice in the classroom. Many female students have told me that they appreciate this and look up to me. This is not only flattering but reassures me that demonstrating how to be self-assured and empowered as a leader in the classroom allows these female students have a safe space to empower themselves as well. This is especially important because I've noticed that my female students -- just like my freshman self -- often compare themselves to other women.

Teddy Roosevelt famously (and accurately) remarked, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Women are faced with a relentless pressure to live up to unattainable standards of beauty and then are made to feel bad when they don’t meet them. I wish I could have told my freshman self that other women are not to blame for this and that competing with them is not only useless but self-destructive. Comparing oneself to other women just perpetuates women's disempowerment overall and we'd all be better off if we stood alongside, rather than against, each other. I try to teach my students (and wish I had known my freshman year) that trying to pull others down or comparing our flaws to others just dismantles the progress made by the feminists who came before us.

 

If you’re a freshman in college right now, I hope my post-grad feminist realizations have possibly sparked your fight for equality, empowerment, and equal representation. Keep fighting the good fight and if years from now you happen to look back and wish you had done things differently know that it's okay: the most important thing is to be gentle with and forgive yourself and keep moving forward.



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