Even If They Don't Ask, Do Tell.

I’ve always thought of myself as a very strong, independent, and at times, outspoken young woman. I was confident in my voice and in myself, certain that I would never find myself in a situation with anyone, boy or a girl, that I couldn’t handle. I was always taught that no one should have the power to make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. But then, my freshman year of college, I experienced something that called this into question.

Hook-up culture in my college, like colleges everywhere, is prominent and over the years I have seen it effect our attitudes and expectations of sexual relationships. But in my experience, unseen, unspoken and especially nuanced forms of violence that are hidden within relationships are more prevalent than the alcohol-assisted one-night stands that often get the most attention.

My freshman year of college, I spent some time with a boy on a sports team. We mostly hung out in environments that involved the consumption of alcohol because (unfortunately) not much sober hanging out happens anymore at my college. I actually really enjoyed his company and even started to trust him with intimate details about my life. We started to establish a connection as more than friends and after my previous relationship ended suddenly I found myself excited about the possibility of starting something new with him.

I don’t believe that describing every detail of that night can somehow protect others, so I won’t. The details of my experience don’t matter. What matters are the events that led to my ability and choice to say "no" being challenged and pressured. I experienced harsh and inexcusable verbal abuse. I was afraid. You may not be able to see any physical bruises but I was hurt, and I will never be able to get that night out of my head.

It was hard to talk to anyone about my story because I did not know if what I experienced was serious or qualified me as a victim. In my mind a victim was someone who is physically attacked, who has no power in a situation and neither were true of my situation. I wasn’t forced to do anything. I said no. I left. But until this experience, I didn’t realize just how complicated and confusing victimization can be.

When I did finally tell my friends, I was able to name my feelings and move on. I had a trusted network of people who helped me realize that what happened to me that night should not be silenced.

Although I will always have scars from that night, I was able to become a stronger and more confident person having been through it.  I learned that the things about which you feel you’re supposed to remain silent often have the most lasting impact and ability to hurt you. I learned that even if no one asks you about it directly, if something hurts, physically or emotionally, it’s important to tell someone and talk about it. Conversations and writing are key parts of the healing process. No matter how big or how small the situation and no matter what you fear others will think, it’s important in this world to advocate for yourself, feel supported and empower yourself to move on.