An Open Letter to Adults: What Young Activists Need From You

Dear Adult,

So, you have teens in your life that you want to support and encourage to be the best, bravest, raddest activists they can be. But teens are a little scary, confusing and intimidating. I know the feeling. I once taught a class of seventh graders and was totally intimidated by the girls with shiny hair and nice clothes. Even though I was eighteen and they were twelve at the time, I still felt like a nervous pre-teen trying to make friends with the popular girls. But I promise it doesn’t have to be scary or difficult to help teens get involved in activist work: in fact, wanting to help and connect with a teenager at all means you’re probably halfway there already. But there are some things you’ll want to watch out for.

First, know that teen girls are likely playing a character for you. When I go to dinner parties with my parents or chat with teachers I turn into “Alice for Adults.” I’m perky, smiling constantly, filled with tried and true anecdotes and jokes and am just candid enough to make them feel like I’m being real with them. But the truth is, I never build a strong relationship with an adult if I keep that persona. I think this is the case with most teens: We know what adults want us to do or be and we put on that persona while they’re around.

But here’s the thing: If you want to get real with a teen, to mentor or guide, you have to break through their facade. Here are a couple of strategies that will help you do just that.

1. Listen to us. Teens tend to have a lot to say if you give them the space. Don’t jump right in with advice right away. Often what we really need is to be heard. Plus, teens know our own issues better than anyone. Sexism may look different to teens now than it did to you as a teen. They might see racism appearing in their community in ways you never imagined. That knowledge is invaluable but it only comes when you give us the space to share.
2. Listen again. Seriously.
3. When you ask us questions, dig a little deeper. Often adults don’t know what they should say to teens and go with “How’s school?” or “What colleges are you looking at?” These are fine questions but will probably get you a pre-prepared, perfunctory answer. Instead try asking “What are you really passionate about right now?” or “How tired are you of being asked about college?” I wish adults would ask me how I feel about Palestine, Ferguson or even this week’s episode of Scandal.
4. Be vulnerable. If you’re looking to work with a teenager on big, tough issues like racism, sexism and/or violence, you’re probably asking teenagers to tell you a lot about their personal lives. That means that you need to give a little something of yourself, too. Not necessarily your deepest, darkest insecurities or secrets, but something. If you’re asking us to trust you then you need to trust us too.
5. Spend an afternoon reconnecting with your seventeen year old self. What were your favorite bands? What was your favorite TV show? Favorite book? Did you keep a journal? Find these landmarks and use them to take you back to when you were a teenager. It is easy to forget what it was like. Don’t forget.

Congratulations, you’re now officially a Cool Adult.